Proper Consumption Protocols

Vintage smoking jacket in burgundy velvet, paired with hand-embroidered silk slippers. A monocle is strongly encouraged, though a lorgnette may be substituted during waxing moon phases.

Bespoke morning robe in Japanese silk, accompanied by heritage lace gloves to prevent the warmth of one's hands from disturbing the chocolate's carefully calibrated temperature.

Victorian-era tea gown (original, not reproduction), preferably with a subtle chocolate patina acquired from decades of refined consumption.

Late Romantic period compositions performed on a Stradivarius violin that has been exposed to cocoa-growing climates for at least two seasons. Preferably played at exactly 68 beats per minute to match the optimal ganache crystallization rate.

Baroque harpsichord pieces performed by musicians who have abstained from non-chocolate-based foods for a minimum of three weeks to achieve proper spiritual alignment.

Impressionist piano works played on a instrument constructed from the same trees that shade our exclusive cacao plantations.

Beeswax candles made by Albanian monks who have never tasted sugar, arranged in a Fibonacci spiral. LED lighting is strictly forbidden as it disturbs the chocolate's aura.

Room must be ventilated with air from the Andes, filtered through sheets of gold leaf and gently scented with essence of rare orchids that bloom once per century.

All seating must be aligned with the magnetic poles and positioned according to ancient chocolate-consumption feng shui principles.

Only vintages that have been serenaded by Portuguese fado singers during their entire aging process. Must be served in crystal glasses cut during a solar eclipse.

Single-harvest oolong picked by butterflies and aged in caves that have never seen artificial light. Water must be sourced from glaciers that are at least 10,000 years old.

Collected from underground springs that flow through veins of pure platinum, bottled only during the vernal equinox.

Bonbons must only be consumed during the golden hour when Venus aligns with Jupiter in the House of Taurus. For those without access to an observatory-grade astrolabe, we recommend consulting our in-house astrologer (appointments available bi-annually).

A minimum 47-minute meditation in a room scented with Himalayan orchid essence (harvested only during lunar eclipses) is required. One must achieve perfect stillness, disturbed only by the occasional world-weary sigh.

Dedicate precisely 23 minutes to contemplating the ephemeral nature of pleasure while reclining on a fainting couch crafted from the reclaimed wood of Marie Antoinette's personal chocolate cabinet.

One must have completed at least three obscure German philosophical texts on the metaphysics of taste, preferably in their original Gothic script. Heidegger's unpublished thoughts on cocoa butter crystallization are particularly relevant.

Before approaching our confections, one must have experienced at least two documented crises of faith regarding the nature of reality, preferably while dining at a three-star Michelin restaurant.

Candidates must demonstrate proficiency in distinguishing between 73 shades of darkness in chocolate, while blindfolded, in a room temperature precisely maintained at 20.5°C (68.9°F).

All discussion must be conducted in whispers, with at least three references to obscure 19th-century French poets per sentence. The word "chocolate" must never be uttered directly - refer to it only as "the ambrosia of which we dare not speak."

Each tasting must be observed by no fewer than two, but no more than three, professionally trained chocolate sommeliers who have renounced all other forms of confectionery. They must maintain expressions of both profound understanding and slight disapproval.

Each consumption event must be chronicled in a leather-bound journal using ink made from dissolved cocoa beans and tears of joy. Entries must be written in a style that combines magical realism with post-structural gastronomy theory.

As documented in Lord Henry Wotton's private chocolate journals, one must maintain an ageless portrait in a hidden attic while consuming our pralines. The portrait will absorb all calories and dental consequences, leaving you eternally youthful (though possibly morally corrupted).

Following Monte Cristo's legendary chocolate-tasting techniques, each bonbon must be enjoyed while plotting elaborate revenge against at least three people who wronged you during preparatory school. A private island is strongly recommended but not required.

All chocolate must be tested for song-inducing properties on a carefully curated staff of philosophical Oompa Loompas (our in-house troupe is available by appointment only, minimum 3-month waiting list).

Each bonbon must exist in a state of quantum superposition until observed by a certified chocolate physicist. Dr. Manhattan's groundbreaking work on cocoa particle entanglement must be referenced before each tasting.

Following the methodology established at 221B Baker Street, one must deduce the exact provenance of each cacao bean while blindfolded, using only the sound it makes when dropped onto a Tibetan singing bowl from precisely 7.3 centimeters.

Each chocolate must be consumed simultaneously across all possible timelines, as prescribed by the Gallifreyan Council of Confectionery Constants (temporal manipulation device not included).

All chocolate tastings must be conducted while staring at a green light across the water, preferably while wearing a bespoke suit and harboring impossible dreams. Dr. T.J. Eckleburg's prescription monocles are available upon request.

Each truffle must be walled up in a cellar for precisely 101 years before consumption, accompanied by the distant sound of a telltale heart (our sommelier can provide the appropriate cardiac soundtrack).

Bonbons must be consumed while contemplating the vast, unknowable cosmos, preferably while corresponding with the Miskatonic University's Department of Confectionery Sciences about the non-Euclidean geometry of your ganache.